After my father and mother got divorced when I was 9 years old, my father still had visitation rights every second weekend. I would sit with my little, green suitcase every Friday night and wait for him to show up. By about 10:00 PM I would take off my coat, take my suitcase back to my room, unpack and go to bed, feeling worthless. I would always make excuses for him in my mind.
“He had to work late.”
“He forgot this was his weekend.”
“He was away on a business trip and forgot to phone”
“He had a flat tire and was stuck on the side of a highway somewhere.”
Then when I was 10 years old my father (and his new family) moved within a 15 minute drive of where I lived. The first weekend that was set aside for his visitation came. I brought out my little, green suitcase, packed it as soon as I got home from school on Friday and from the time supper ended at 6:30 pm, I sat at the door to wait.
At 10:45 pm I picked up my suitcase and silently brought it back to my bedroom. I quietly got into my nightgown and slipped into bed. The time for excuses had passed. It was time for reality. He didn’t love me, he didn’t want me and if I was really honest with myself, I guess I knew he never had.
A little bit later, by the time I had cried my tears out, my mother slipped into my room.
She softly asked, “Are you awake?”
I didn’t answer.
She asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”
I bolted up in bed and spat out loudly, “What is there to talk about?! He hates me. And I hate him too. So we are even! Good night.” and I flopped back onto my bed and pulled the covers over my head.
I felt Mom sit on the side of my bed. She was going to talk to me, because sometimes loving someone means you don’t leave them alone, even if they want to be.
She started with the truth.
“ You don’t hate him. You love him. I know you love him because that’s why it hurts so much. But that’s okay. I love him too. In this life you will find many people will hurt you and they will be able to hurt you because you love them.
Now you can become bitter and hateful and wall up your heart where no one can reach it and feel nothing but miserable. OR, you can let love in and take the risk of getting hurt. And when it hurts it will hurt bad. Really bad. But every once in a while, someone will love you back. Really love you. Just as you are. They will require nothing of you except that you allow them to love you. It won’t erase all the pain you’ve had, but it will allow you to overcome it. Just like the way I love you now. And how I know you love me too. And all the love you and I have for each other I wouldn’t have missed for anything. It is worth more than anything the world can chuck at us.
You can’t choose how people will treat you, you can only choose how you’ll treat them back. And it's also your choice what kind of person you want to be. Do you want to be the type of person who will love anybody no matter what they do to you? Or do you want to be the type of person who lets their little girl wait and wait without even caring about her feelings? The choice is yours, Angel.”
After that lovely speach there was a lot more crying, hugging, nose blowing. (You get the picture.) I went to bed knowing I was loved. But I was pretty sure my father had gone to bed that night not knowing he was loved. The tragedy of it, is that he could have known it. How many nights, how many years, how many decades did he not know he was loved?
What I didn’t realize myself until much later was how deeply Mom was preparing me for the world I would live in and all the suffering I would have to face. She was helping me find the strength to face it as the right kind of person. And she knew that I couldn’t completely close myself off to love or I wouldn’t be able to accept God’s love when I finally discovered it.
As I grew up, people used to say to me, "It must be hard to be without a father." But by then I had a Father. A greater kind of Father with a greater kind of love. You know, just because God is invisible doesn't mean He’s unreal. He is called the "Living God" because He is! Living, warm, available, compassionate, tender, a refuge, a companion, someone to dry your tears, to protect you and to sacrifice whatever it takes so that you and He will never be apart. Even if the sacrifice means having to give up His only Son.
Interesting. I finally found someone worth waiting for and He has never kept me waiting. Always there when I need him. Answering my questions before they are even formed in my mind. Supplying my needs before I have to do without.
“ Jesus replied,'If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.’ “
(John 14:23)
I became a Christian for one simple reason, I discovered a Father who would "show up". He showed up, moved in and the lonely days of waiting were over.
Is that something you want?
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