“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear; because fear has torment.”
( 1 John 4:18)
My entire life I have been plagued by a tormenting and unrelenting fear. This may come as a surprise to many of the people who know me, because I am an expert at hiding it.
But if you wish to know how bad the Fear is, I explain it this way:
“Whether I am going for a job interview or to mail a letter, I am equally terrified.”
There is never a moment when I didn’t have it. I was about 8 years old when I finally realized that other people didn’t panic over the idea of taking a bus or buying a chocolate bar at the corner store. I thought we ALL felt that way!
It’s like being locked in Solitary Confinement for your life and the person with the key to your cell is YOU! But you can’t make yourself open the door. You’re cut off from joy, peace, happiness or even the warm companionship of another human being. My mind knew it was irrational, but you can’t reason your way out of it because it’s your FEELINGS that are “out of whack”.
This fear goes way beyond shyness and I’m sure there are all sorts of psychological terms for these phobias (although that wouldn’t help me much). Human beings are God’s greatest creation. I find them fascinating. I am bursting to talk to them, tell them my bad jokes, comfort them, help them, to be their friend, to tell them about Jesus, and mostly, to love them. But my fear was so crippling and debilitating, that just speaking to a person brought on the possibility that I would faint from the fear of it.
And of course, being a Christian brought about it’s own guilt and shame. If I truly loved Jesus, I wouldn’t be consumed with fears day and night. Therefore my faith must be severely lacking in some area. Perhaps a “secret sin” I was not repenting of ?
In my brain there was a never ending barrage of worry and debating going on, as I tried to “reason” my way out of my fears. But they remained. Day and night; Sleeping or waking. Never knowing one moment or one second outside this suffocating, prison of terror.
About 6 years ago …
My health had become so bad that I couldn’t even keep a part time job any more. Having my life changed so quickly and radically due to my illnesses, I sunk into a deep depression (as if living with the fear wasn’t enough). I went to my doctor and we decided for me to try taking anti-depressants and for me to see a Psychiatrist.
A few weeks later, I developed “night terrors”. Night Terrors are uber nightmares, made even worse by being so vivid, horror filled and very hard to wake up from. And they occurred EVERY time I went to sleep!
After another 18 months and 13 different types of anti-depressants, I gave up on that idea.
The counselling hadn’t worked, nor the pills and (since I had been praying many hours each day) my Christian faith seemed to be ineffective as well.
EXTREMELY discouraged that my life would never improve, I said this prayer to Jesus:
“Lord? I don’t understand why I have to live my life this way. I’m so tired. I feel so useless. But I promise you I will do my best not complain and try to serve you just the way I am, whatever that is worth. I’m always afraid and now sometimes too sad to even get out of bed. But I won’t turn my back on you. I WON’T be your fair-weather friend. I know you have your reasons and they are always good ones, so I promise to continue to follow you, WHEREVER you lead! Amen.”
A couple of weeks later, I was walking down the sidewalk on my way to do some shopping. I was humming a tune as I walked along on this pleasant, sunny, Spring afternoon. Wait a minute! I was humming Out Loud (which I never do because it would have drawn attention to myself). And I would never want someone to look at me on purpose. NEVER!
I wondered to myself, “My goodness. What has gotten into me?”
At that precise second, I realized that I was no longer depressed. Not even a little bit. And not only that. ALL my FEAR was gone. Every bit of it. After more than 40 years, I’d been set free. And it happened when I hadn’t even noticed.
That was 6 years ago and the “Fear” has never come back. Even in situations where it would be normal and healthy to be afraid. I talk to everyone and anyone. I crack jokes. Talk to people about Jesus. Pray in public. But mostly, I just enjoy getting to know people. And I’ve met some amazing ones. The prison cell was opened. I should have guessed I wasn’t the only one with the key. Jesus had the Master Key.
If someone from my past, who knew me when I had all that fear saw me now, they would barely recognize me.
Even my own mother says, “I can’t believe the change in you. My same sweet, little Laura-Lee, but just without all the running to hide in the bathroom when someone wants to speak to you.”
Now, I always say, “The proof is in the pudding”. It’s not what I say I am that counts, as much as the way I act.
So get comfortable and settle in for some more true stories.
“My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.” ( I John 3:18)
TO BE CONTINUED …
