You Amaze Me

I haven't had Internet at home since the beginning of December 2013 and this is only the second time I've been able to come to my blog and check on things.
Even though I am not currently posting here, I am still getting approximately 400 views a month and another 300 over at my other blog, "The Bible and the Biz".
(Are you taking the time to read up on some of my past posts? There are about 200 of them.)
                              
Grief is a hard thing to deal with, but actually it has been losing my closest family members at the same time that Mom died that has left me truly wiped out. I thought the reason that the letters, cards and emails I send all the time weren't being responded to was because every one's lives are so much busier than mine. In truth, they've probably just been trying to give me the brush off and I was too stupid to figure it out. Since nobody has given me a reason for this massive exodus from my life, I have been left feeling confused, puzzled and extremely embarrassed (not to mention like a piece of trash). So many times I have wondered what in the world I'm still doing here. Why hasn't God taken me home too?

Right now, I'm at the library using their computer. A poor man came in from the cold -25 degree evening and started asking people for money to get some dinner. He was polite and humble and was met with hostility and rudeness. They were just getting ready to kick him out when I motioned him over and gave him $10. And believe me when I say that it was a very precious $10 to me. But I felt led to make the sacrifice and give it to him. 
As soon as I gave him the money, he thanked me and left quietly . Then, much to my amazement, the people in the library turned on me. We are all sitting around a big table that has computer stations and they all decided to give me a piece of their mind. I was called "naive", "stupid", lectured to about what that man was going to really do with the money (buy drugs) and "the reason the economy is in such a mess is because of people like you". I sat here silent and stunned. But they actually stared at me and wanted me to explain and justify my actions. With everyone looking at me my mind went blank and I wished the floor would open up and swallow me. But I finally said, "He might not use that money for food, but I'm only responsible for my decisions and actions not his." There was some shoulder shrugging and a lot of head shaking, but they finally went back to their computers. (we all only get an hour before we have to hand them over to someone else)

When Mom died last year she had no funeral service and made only one request: That people would honor her memory by giving a donation to the "Hope Mission", which feeds the homeless people in our city. Mom lived 72 years opening her home and heart to whomever had a need. But after all that giving, only one person made a donation in her memory. In fact, many people (and the majority of them Christians) believe that if someone is poor it is because God wants them to be. He is punishing them for their lack of faith or "secret sins" or whatever. Apparently they ignore the fact that almost every person who preached the Gospel of Jesus Christ in the Bible was poor and imprisoned and eventually killed for following Jesus.

I don't know what has become of the world. I feel like I'm on another planet. Yet there is a part deep inside of me that KNOWS this is not the way to live. Only 20 years ago what happened to me at the library would not have occurred (a lone woman berated for giving $10 to a person begging for food). There must be other people out there who yearn for something different too. For a home that is also a haven. A place where they will be supported, appreciated, accepted, loved and can love people back without any fear of  rejection. Where they can use their talents and abilities, (be they big or small) to make a contribution and  be  valued for it. Where they can stay for a short while to be refreshed away from the world OR live out the remainder of their lives not having to worry what will happen to them when they get old or sick, because they will always be surrounded by people who will care for them and about them. This is my dream. It may be a simple one, but sitting here amongst strangers who are angry at me for giving a man $10 because he said he was hungry,  I yearn for a place like that. Maybe that's why you still come here. Do you see hints of that life in my stories and posts? But whatever reason you have for coming here, I do most sincerely appreciate it and at this moment in my life more than ever before. You have made me feel that I might have some worth. You have penetrated my darkness. You amaze me.

I don't know if or when I'll be back (the library isn't feeling too friendly to me right now), but Laura-Lee Was Here and YOU made it worth the visit.

Love, Laura-Lee